The Average American Male by Chad Kultgen
Harper Perennial, 2007
256 pgs., 3 stars
ABOUT THE BOOK: See my post The Average American Male.
ABOUT THE OUTFIT: No one ever said you were a fashionista (fashionisto?). You’re just the average bro wearing a bro tank. Though you may wear this tank “ironically,” people can’t help but think you probably are a dirtbag. Judging by the fact that it’s a tank and not a tee, you’re probs a big dirtbag.
But you don’t care! Haters gonna hate, right? And your hat professes your love for those that hate on you. Your character was written to be controversial and antagonistic. We wouldn’t read your story if it weren’t so appalling. If people hate on you then they just don’t “get it,” so that gives you the right to make endless fun of them.
As an average male, you must at all times wear cargo shorts. Though cargo shorts went out of style in like 1998, all men own a pair, and you are no different. All those pockets will come in handy! Maybe for extra beers—oh wait, you have a koozie for that—or condoms—oh wait, you don’t use those.
You could just move your iPhone case to a new pocket each day just to spice things up a little. “Rack City Bitch” is probably one of your favorite songs and it also perfectly articulates your view of the world. It should just say TITS BITCH! But a phone case that says TITS might be a little crass even for you. But bitch isn’t, in fact it’s your favorite way to refer to women.
You’re a California boy and these fancy surf flip flops are crucial to your look. Plus, they match your hat so you look at least a little put together. Good luck trolling for bitches in this outfit, homeboy!